Well. Today I don't feel like talking about things that suck. Instead I think I'll talk about things that dont.

Things that don't suck:

My three year old told me this morning that he had "two boobies in his hands". (He meant boo-boos.)

Last night on Celebrity Apprentice, Bret Michaels said discomboobulated.

I put a bunch of old stuff and craigslist and its selling like hotcakes.

My nine year old has taken to walking the dog because he likes it.

I lost 6 pounds.

Thats it. Today it's good enough.

I'm looking through you.....Where did you go?

Mr.R and I have been reconnecting. Often. We have been trying to heal the hurt that has undone our old marriage. Infidelity is a tricky thing. Infidelity wrapped in depression and sugar coated with resentment is a very tricky thing. After I found out that he had been unfaithful, I really thought it was my fault. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough. I felt like I lost my identity. I spent hours looking in the mirror, looking for the reasons that he didn't love me enough to be faithful. I tore myself apart. I was too fat, too ugly, I needed a haircut, new clothes. When I looked at myself I couldn't see any of the things I have always liked about me. I felt like I vanished.
As time has gone on, I can see myself again. There are things I hate about myself. But there are also things I love about myself. I look different though. Inside I am different. The fabric of who I am has been changed. I don't trust easily anymore. I never will again. I don't care so much what people think anymore because it is too exhausting. I second guess every decision I make. I feel like I'm hiding something from all of my friends who don't know about the affair. I am learning to live with the new version of me. I don't know if I like her very much yet.

Really, 2010?

So, it's no secret this year has sucked. It is only March and already we have dealt with more than our fair share of suckage. So, last week when I fell down some stairs while taking my kids for a walk by the ocean, it was no surprise that I sprained my ankle. So now I can't walk. Or work. Or really do much of anything at all. Eh. Fun times. I know it will all get better. This too shall pass, and all that. But in the meantime, I'm losing it a little. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff and the ground is starting to crumble beneath me. The question is whether to scramble away from the edge or let it take me over the edge? I know I am dealing with some depression. I am not trying to say that I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry about me over here. Depression is new to me though. I have never felt the weight of it before. It's heavy. It's dark. It's strong. I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I am not stronger. I always thought I was strong enough. Turns out I'm not.

Life Changes.

I am a stay at home mom. But I work. I have always worked. But the type of work I do has always enabled me to bring my kids with me. I bake cookies when they get off the bus. I know their friends and teachers and bus drivers. I am not disconnected from them. I know them. They are my babies and I have always thought that I was giving them a gift by being with them. But lately, I have realized that it has come with a price.
After I found out Mr. R had an affair, my first reaction was divorce. I was getting a divorce. I could not live with him or what he had done. But....I didnt have a job. Or any money. Or any skills to get a good job and some money. That made me think. It is a very sobering moment when you realize that you cant support yourself. It sucks. I have always contributed to our household financially, but contributing and carrying are two different things. It made me feel terrible.
Im not trying to work things out with Mr. R because Im afraid of being poor or alone. I am not afraid to get a job. I am going to get a job. A real job with benefits and set hours and all that fancy stuff. The realization that I could not provide for my kids on my own scared me. It made me wonder if all these years at home have meant anything? I'm a mom, I do one hundred gazillion things every day for other people. I clean, I cook, I drive, I solve problems and attend meetings. I budget and plan and wipe away tears. I make sure everyone is healthy and active. As a mom, I can say I have held the title or chauffeur, housecleaner, chef, financial planner, nurse, advocate, personal trainer and nutritionist. But none of those roles that I play to my family qualify me to be anything in the "real" world. In this moment, I feel sad. I feel like I have worked hard to build my family and forgotten to build myself.
So that is the challenge now. Im workin' on me. I am proud of my kids and my husband. I want to be proud of me too.

The What If Game

Everything makes me question myself these days. Like EVERYTHING. Its becoming a major problem. I cannot make decisions to save my life. Grapes or oranges? I dont know. Brownies or muffins? Couldnt tell ya. I find myself constantly questioning myself about everything. Its annoying to say the least. I would like to stop doing it. But how? Its almost involuntary at this point. I feel like I have made so many choices that were wrong and bad and they have all lead me to this point in my life. What if I had made different choices? Where would I be now? Do you ever think that?

Xanax and Mini Wheats for Breakfast.

Yesterday was a bad day.
I think today might end up that way as well.
When I think I have started to move past it, I get dragged back down by it. Yesterday it was the phone bill. The phone bill that laid it all out in black and white. How many times he called her, texted her etc., etc. Thousands of calls and texts.
It wasnt like I hadnt already seen that phone bill. I had seen it. I had figured out who she was from that phone bill. I had called her cell phone number a hundred times just to tell her she is a dirty whore because of that cell phone bill. But still. That physical evidence of betrayal keeps haunting me. Its tangible, I can touch it and hold it and it reminds me. It reminds me that I live with a man who could hurt me like that. Who is to say he might not do it again? Him? Its really hard to know what to believe in this situation. I want to keep my focus on the positive, on the salvage of our marriage. But that phone bill. It keeps dragging me down.
Today is going to be a bad day.

Feels Like the First Time.

It was a fluke, the first time we were together after he cheated. I was lonely and confused. I was a mess. I felt like I had some weird score to settle. He said that he hadnt felt like I wanted him in years. Well, ok. Thats pretty much true. He said that our sex drives didnt match anymore. Also true. I said that we had no spark left in our relationship. True again. I said he never touched me unless it was to shove his hand down my pants and say "wanna fuck?" (Yuck. Bet you're hot now, right? Disgusting.) I would change into my pajamas at lightning speed so that he wouldnt see me naked and get any ideas. Anyway, you get the idea. We were messed up. There was NO intimacy, no romance, no kiss hello, no kiss goodbye.
I was crying. Laying in bed crying. I asked him to just lay with me. I just wanted to forget for a minute. I wanted to remember what it felt like to have my husband put his arms around me. But even more I wanted him to remember. Why didnt he remember? There was a time when we couldnt get enough of one another. He would reach out to touch me every time I moved in his direction. So that night, when I asked him to, he laid down next to me. I dont think he wanted to though. He thought I was confused. He probably thought I was going to smother him with his pillow once he fell asleep. (Mentally unstable, anyone?) But I wasnt interested in killing him. I wanted him to touch me, I wanted him to WANT me. For the first time in forever, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hear him say my name. The feeling was intense. It was like a million rocks were crushing me and he was the only one who could dig me out. And that night he did. I could breathe again.

The End and the Beginning....in that order.

So a few weeks ago, my husband came to me and said we should probably get a divorce. Wait, what? Im sorry, could you please repeat that? I was hurt. I was shocked. But there was more. He had an affair. I couldnt believe this was happening to me. I have never felt pain like that in my entire life. I cried. I screamed. I threw all of his shit out onto the front lawn like you see in the movies. I wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone for the rest of my days. I wanted him dead. I wanted her dead. I wished I was dead. I banished my kids and my adulterous bastard of a husband and laid in my own filth for three days. I cried all night long. I wondered why? What had I done to deserve this? Why would he do that to me? I felt so alone. He was my anchor and now I was floating out to sea. I wanted him to go away and leave me alone but I wanted him to come home and make everything alright. Needless to say, I was confused. And also, possible mentally unstable. But thats to be expected, right?
And then something REALLY strange happened. I started looking at myself and how I really felt about this man. Why was I so sad over him? Truth be told, I didnt even really like him that much. Why was I so worried about being alone? I had basically been alone for years. He didnt fulfill my needs, he didnt make me feel happy. Hell, if i won lotto I probably would have left him first. But still....there was something there. So we started talking. We have been together for twelve years and I think the last time I TALKED to him, (without wishing he would die in his sleep) was before our wedding. He sat next to me and he answered my questions and he held my hand and he told me he wasnt sure about us either. We went out to dinner for the first time in two years, alone without the kids. We started to be honest about where our marriage was. We sat there together with all of the hurt and the anger and the sadness and the mistrust between us. It sucked.
And that is where we are now....we are trying to heal. We are trying to have a do-over. We have wasted years being unhappy and we both want to find some happiness whether its together or not.
BUT....with all of that being said, this blog isnt about marriage or divorce. Its about me. I dont know where my marriage will end up but I do know that I need something to help me process this journey Im on right now. I feel like someone pushed me onto a rollercoaster I had no intention of riding. I guess I will have to see if I enjoy the ride.