Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm looking through you.....Where did you go?

Mr.R and I have been reconnecting. Often. We have been trying to heal the hurt that has undone our old marriage. Infidelity is a tricky thing. Infidelity wrapped in depression and sugar coated with resentment is a very tricky thing. After I found out that he had been unfaithful, I really thought it was my fault. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough. I felt like I lost my identity. I spent hours looking in the mirror, looking for the reasons that he didn't love me enough to be faithful. I tore myself apart. I was too fat, too ugly, I needed a haircut, new clothes. When I looked at myself I couldn't see any of the things I have always liked about me. I felt like I vanished.
As time has gone on, I can see myself again. There are things I hate about myself. But there are also things I love about myself. I look different though. Inside I am different. The fabric of who I am has been changed. I don't trust easily anymore. I never will again. I don't care so much what people think anymore because it is too exhausting. I second guess every decision I make. I feel like I'm hiding something from all of my friends who don't know about the affair. I am learning to live with the new version of me. I don't know if I like her very much yet.

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