Life Changes.

I am a stay at home mom. But I work. I have always worked. But the type of work I do has always enabled me to bring my kids with me. I bake cookies when they get off the bus. I know their friends and teachers and bus drivers. I am not disconnected from them. I know them. They are my babies and I have always thought that I was giving them a gift by being with them. But lately, I have realized that it has come with a price.
After I found out Mr. R had an affair, my first reaction was divorce. I was getting a divorce. I could not live with him or what he had done. But....I didnt have a job. Or any money. Or any skills to get a good job and some money. That made me think. It is a very sobering moment when you realize that you cant support yourself. It sucks. I have always contributed to our household financially, but contributing and carrying are two different things. It made me feel terrible.
Im not trying to work things out with Mr. R because Im afraid of being poor or alone. I am not afraid to get a job. I am going to get a job. A real job with benefits and set hours and all that fancy stuff. The realization that I could not provide for my kids on my own scared me. It made me wonder if all these years at home have meant anything? I'm a mom, I do one hundred gazillion things every day for other people. I clean, I cook, I drive, I solve problems and attend meetings. I budget and plan and wipe away tears. I make sure everyone is healthy and active. As a mom, I can say I have held the title or chauffeur, housecleaner, chef, financial planner, nurse, advocate, personal trainer and nutritionist. But none of those roles that I play to my family qualify me to be anything in the "real" world. In this moment, I feel sad. I feel like I have worked hard to build my family and forgotten to build myself.
So that is the challenge now. Im workin' on me. I am proud of my kids and my husband. I want to be proud of me too.